The other day a friend joking remarked that she saw me as 3 different people: the spiritual seeker, the regular friend, and the Chinese speaking persona. This is perhaps more true than she intended it to be. We all have our different faces for different occasions, but when you start to speak a different language, those faces multiply - or they seem to at first.
I’m an American speaking Chinese. I’m an American who looks Chinese speaking Chinese in China. I’m a Chinese person speaking Chinese. At each successive step, the face changes. In the first, perhaps I am merely translating my American-ness into another language. In the second, I’m stuck in a liminal state between cultures. In the third, I am what I was biologically evolved to be. Living here, every time I open my mouth there is a simultaneous construction and deconstruction of identity…great isn’t it?
Of course, I’m as guilty as anyone of using a particular face as a shield in vunerable or awkward situations. The funny thing is that there’s no better “shield” than an open presence, ever. I’m trying to understand this while bombarded by the taste, touch, smell, sight, and sounds of Beijing traffic everyday walking to class. Pulling wisdom teeth might be considered easier.
A “Welcome Spring Flower” in my apartment complex.
Kite flying with the neighbors…too bad there wasn’t any wind.
But I feel that I’ve never been more mindful of life than I have been living here. Maybe its the contrast that helps me to be more awake, more present. But to speak of more practical things, my Chinese has been improving! I now find myself with 2 hours of private lessons in the morning and a TV news listening class in the afternoons. Both quite challenging, especially news listening which sounds to me like the Micromachine man (anyone remember this?). But its gonna happen one day though (and I hope soon)… bilingual-ility!!
