What does it mean to start a new life? Does it mean changing the outer conditions or the inner conditions? Or both.
Tonight I fly to Beijing, ostensibly to create a life there. And yet, every step of my journey thus far has been one more step into life’s great uncertainty. Though I love traveling to unknown places, it can feel so empty if you don’t have that inner compass to make sense of it all, to put it in a “framework of meaning” (or so my religious studies professors might say). And then long discussions about graduate school (in the humanities anyways) have left a lingering feeling of revulsion at the thought of big headed professors pushing their weight around. It was never the discipline itself that interested me so much as the the truth embedded somewhere deep inside. And already discussed somewhere in this blog was development work in poor communities which again suffers from the same deficiency as traveling for me. If it can be said that I have been “looking” for something in my journeys, than it can equally be said that what I’ve found are empty concepts of hopeful endeavors.
So recently I’ve seriously tried not thinking. Have you ever awoken one morning, eyes wide open, taking in all the sensory information, acutely aware, and yet, without any thought recognition? Though it only lasts a second or two, its wonderfully peaceful and full - like you’ve put down the burden of all existence in that singular moment. Those moments continue to be my inspiration on this journey and perhaps they themselves are the start of a new kind of life.